


TMI

by Nanimok



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fluff, Growing Up is Hard, Humour, Izuna lives, Kagami centric, M/M, poor baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 10:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10717728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nanimok/pseuds/Nanimok
Summary: Kagami gets a date and receives advice from his elders.It's a little bit traumatising, in all honestly.





	TMI

**Author's Note:**

> Set in IzunaIsAlive!Au where Kagami ends up as Madara's apprentice. This piece is technically a sequel to the drabble where Kagami gets adopted, [Crow Family](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10717413/chapters/23744862), but works as a standalone since this got beta-ed by the awesomeness that is [Holly](http://redhothollyberries.tumblr.com). 
> 
> This fic assumes that inadequate sex-ed is universal.

Kagami wanders around into his house with his head soaring through the clouds, a goofy smile plastered on his face. He dances around the kitchen as he gets the spices out of the pantry and all the ingredients for dinner out of his shopping bag. He’s so high on happiness that he doesn’t notice an attack coming his way.

An attack in the form of a wild Izuna slinking into the kitchen behind him. He looms unnoticed, before singing right into Kagami’s ear.

“I heard somebody got asked out on a date today~”

Kagami shrieks. Cabbages fly out of his hand. Shinobi reflexes kicks in, and he catches them before they could cannonball onto the floor. “Izuna-sama,” he greets with genuine pleasure. Kagami’s feeling like he’s on top of the Hokage mountain. Not even a scare can break his good mood today.

Izuna whistles at the impressive juggling, before grinning at Kagami in a predatory manner. “So I heard somebody got asked out on a date today,” he repeats himself.

“I did!” Kagami flicks a glance at the clock hung on the wall. “Uh, ten minutes ago. How’d you find out?”

Izuna waves a hand, trying to look as blasé and innocent as possible. “Oh, you know how fast the rumour mill works. Things spread faster than a forest fire.”

By that, Izuna means eavesdropping behind the gates, holding in his squeals as he listens to two dorks navigating their way through their infatuation. Kagami’s admirer helped _shop_ and _carry_ the groceries to the gates of their compound. That’s so _adorable._ Izuna’s such a fan for adorable things.

He’s also a fan of teasing Kagami until his ears turn red, or until his eyes widen in disbelief. Izuna can’t help it – Kagami’s so cute, gullible, and impressionable that Izuna just wants to take his cheeks between his hands and squash them together. Then he wants to corrupt him, and laugh like a maniac at the horrified look on the kid’s face.

Yeah, it’s a good thing Izuna doesn’t have his own apprentice yet.

“I just thought I’d impart some of my infinite wisdom when it comes to the subject of _love_ ,” he purrs as he slinks an arm around Kagami’s shoulder. “I’m guessing that this will probably be your first date, being thirteen and all–”

“Fifteen,” Kagami corrects.

“–being fifteen and all.” Izuna casts him a knowing gaze. “Kagami-chan, I cannot stress to you how important it is to be prepared on a date. Preparation is key to dealing with the unknown. At the end of the day, how well, exactly, do you know the person you’re going on a date with?”

Kagami considers his statement, before nodding. “I’m confident that I know Danzō very well, and if I didn’t, then more to talk about on our date.”

“ _Adorable_ ,” Izuna coos. “Your optimism is absolutely adorable. But you should definitely be more wary. Personalities can be easily faked, my precious child, especially if it’s only for the duration of a date. Say you meet a handsome guy who just ticks all your boxes. Same sense of humour, good looks, likes to be tied up _and_ tie you up. You might decide that, hey – since you finished the mission early – why not have some have fun?”

Kagami’s trying to relate. Really, he is, but he’s only fifteen and mostly confused. “Fun sounds nice,” he says.

“Fun _was_ nice,” Izuna reminisces. “Anyway, back to this purely hypothetical situation. You might wake up after a fun night realising that you had one too many drinks the night before, and you have somehow ended up married to your handsome stranger, who ends up being an important guy. Like, for example, the Daimyo’s nephew–”

Kagami gapes. _“_ You got married to the Daimyo’s nephew?”

Izuna tips Kagami’s jaw up to close it. “I said ‘might’, my precious child. As in you _might_ have married the Daimyo’s nephew accidentally and want the union broken. And in the process of getting that marriage dissolved, you _might_ even find, through his dodgy finances, that he’s running a black market dealing with stolen organs. You _might_ dismantle said market, and send a _polite_ note to the Daimyo to repay your discretion by accelerating your divorce case in the quietest manner.”

Kagami stares at Izuna. In awe. In disbelief. In _both_.

“Point is to always be prepared for any possible situation. You never really know _who_ you’re dating, and _how_ your date will turn out.”

How they deviated from the point to where they were before, Kagami has no idea. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, Izuna-sama,” he says. _I’m sure I won’t end up blackmailing the Daimyo,_ is what he means _._ “And Danzō’s not the type to run an underground black market,” Kagami assures.

Izuna gives him some serious side-eye.

Kagami thinks on it. “Danzō’s not the type to marry others while he’s blackout drunk,” he amends.

Izuna squeezes his shoulder, and grins at him. “As long as you’re confident. Now, I shall leave you to make dinner.”

He’s almost of out of the door before he halts, and retraces his steps. He turns around, and gives Kagami a sheepish smile.  “One more thing,” Izuna adds. “Please never talk about this with Madara.”

 

* * *

 

It’s amazing how fast the rumour mill works when, the next morning, his sensei casually mentions that Kagami should bring a nice present for his date. Kagami nods along, always receptive to his sensei’s suggestions. He’s not sure what constitutes as a ‘nice’ present to his sensei, but it’s a good suggestion.

(Kagami was there when Madara unwrapped his valentine’s day present from Tobirama. It was a pair of binoculars. No note, and no chocolate in sight. Sometimes, the mystery keeps him awake at night.)

On that note, chocolate sounds like a good idea since he knows that Danzo has a secret sweet tooth.

Someone calls his name as he’s walking to the confectionery store.

“So, I heard somebody’s got a date tomorrow,” Tōka sings as Kagami gets an arm around his shoulders again.

Honestly, he’s touched that all his idols are invested enough in him to meddle in his personal life. At this point, though, he’s starting to worry about getting called into the Hokage’s office just to have Hashirama asking him about his date.

“My favourite Uchiha, all grown up and going on dates,” Tōka bemoans. “I hope you never outgrow baking those delicious cupcakes, though. Anyhow, I remember something your sensei and I discussed, to repay a favour I owed him. Have Tobirama or Madara given you the talk yet?”

Heat flushes his cheeks. Memories of Tobirama’s hour-long lecture flash through his head. He was eleven. There were _diagrams_ – coloured _diagrams_. It electrocutes his heart like a raiton jutsu. His nerves scream at him to flee. “I know how babies are made?” Kagami offers. “Sensei was very, _very_ thorough on that.

Tōka snorts. “I bet he was. I bet he even prescribed you readings after the lecture.”

Shivers lick down his spine.

“But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about sex-ed.”

Goodbye shivers. Hello embarrassment. “Sex-ed?” Kagami echoes in a squeaky voice.

“Sex-ed,” Tōka confirms.

Kagami is struggling not to sink into the ground, because Tōka is imposing and experienced and _beautiful_ and voluptuous, and she just _asked bumbling little Kagami about his knowledge on sex-ed._ “I think so?” The uncertainty in his voice makes him wince. “Shishou _tried_ at some point. Then I think he just forgot, or figured that I’d ask Izuna-sama if I wanted to know more.”

Tōka looks at him with a crease on her forehead. “Oh, you poor child.”

“I have a brief idea of what happens between two consenting adults when they feel the need to express their desires physically,” Kagami says. That sounds pretty convincing. Hopefully, Toka won’t notice it’s exact resemblance to the beginning of Tobirama’s lecture.

“Brief isn’t enough, Kagami-chan. They don’t happen exclusively between adults. If you ever feel the desire to experiment, you need to be educated,” she lectures. “Those boys are hopeless. I have zero expectations from any of them. Madara and Tobirama thought that sexual attraction was an exaggeration until they found each other, and Izuna probably related it to the time he woke up married and almost got his spleen removed.”

Kagami knew about the accidental marriage, but Izuna’s story gets wilder with every retelling. “He almost got his spleen removed?!” 

“And the divorce lawyer was the _worst_. An absolute dick, and charges like a shark too.” Tōka redirects Kagami towards the chemists. “I’m interested in hitting two targets with one kunai. You’ve got a free afternoon, right? How’s about I give you a crash course before your little date? Then I’ve repaid my favour to Tobirama, and you can avoid me for as long as you like.”  

 _Sage._ He’s about to have ‘the talk’ _again,_ and he’s about to have with someone like _Tōka_. Not his shishou or his sensei, with their relatable awkwardness and fumbling attempts, but confident, charismatic and possibly invulnerable Tōka.

Kagami squares his shoulders. Might as well push all the arrow out in one go.

“Okay. We can do that. Education is always a good thing.” Kagami nods, feeling more confident with each head bob. “Yeah, I can totally survive this talk. Yup. Definitely.”

“That’s the spirit!” She throws him a blinding smile that tells him that he just got Tōka approved. “Now let’s go grab you some battle gear.”

“…battle gear?”

“Battle gear.” Tōka grins. Her teeth look a little too sharp. “You know, in case things progresses very far tonight. So condoms, lube, massage oils, sedative lube, fake nails to practice applying an assortment of poisons, sedatives and depressants–”

Kagami blinks. “Wait, what?”

“After all the technical bits, we’ll be going through the _fun_ stuff. Like disarming using a shirt, hitting vital points from any position. Recognising and working your body through sedatives laced in massage oils to avoid waking up in tricky situations – _Izuna situations –_ and other useful things. There’s a power to being down on your knees, Kagami-chan. And I’m going to teach you to take full advantage of it.”

“Education is always a good thing,” Kagami chants to himself under his breath. Then he does it again as Tōka leads him down the chemist aisles. And again as Tōka starts bringing out her own sets of diagrams.

 

* * *

 

“–I put my _what_ – _where?”_

 

* * *

 

Kagami’s seen a lot in his life, probably enough to make any psychiatrist worry. He likes to think of each mini occurrences as character building arcs. No matter how traumatising the events may be, or how many worried stares his coping mechanisms get him.

If he managed to survive yesterday’s lessons with Tōka, then he can survive anything. Kagami feels indestructible.

This strip of cloth that just won’t turn into a bow tie will not break him. It is, however, one formidable opponent.

His curses and grunts draws Madara into his room. Madara pokes his head in to find Kagami in a nice dress shirt, black pants and looking like he want to choke the strip of cloth in his hand. The bowtie is more likely to choke him, if he were honest.

“You look spiffy,” Madara observes. “Right. The highly anticipated date. Need help?”

Kagami relinquishes his bowtie with one last glare. “Yes please. We’re going to the grill place that just opened up. Looks pretty fancy.”

Madara starts to tie the bowtie around Kagami. Kagami stands there, offended at how easily it bends under Madara’s hand.

He considers turning on his sharingan and copying his movements. Then he rejects the idea, because that would be admitting defeat. He refuses to admit defeat over a stubborn piece of cloth.

He does let himself indulge in another whim. “Shishou,” he begins, catching Madara’s attention. “Why did Tobirama-sensei give you a pair of binoculars for Valentine’s Day?”

Madara chuckles – actually _chuckles_ – and the grumpy lines on his face soften into something that looks like fondness. Which is a rare thing, since his shishou only looks this way when someone’s on the ground bleeding.

“Tobirama’s secretly the tree sap in the family,” Madara confides. He finishes the bowtie in one more delicate pull, smooths out his collar and leans back to admire his handiwork.

At Kagami’s confused, scrunched face, Madara elaborates. “You remember Elder Michiko?” Madara asks.

This time Kagami’s face scrunches in displeasure. Even for an Uchiha, she is considered to be rigid and traditional in her old values. She wasn’t a fan of Madara undertaking a no-name orphan as his apprentice. She’s not a fan of his relationship with sensei. She’s probably not a fan of anything _but_ misery and strife.

“She and I have been butting heads over every decision these past few months,” he tells him. “Always finding some arbitrary technicality to pick on in my proposals. One thing she likes to pride herself on, however, is her storage seals and how well they’re selling on the market. So Tobirama one upped her: he designed his own storage seals and released them commercially. Of course it was a success – It’s fucking Tobirama. His designs knocked hers off the field. ”

Kagami tucks his wallet in his pocket, picks up his box of chocolate and heads toward the door. Madara walks beside him. “The binoculars?” Kagami prompts.  

“Valentine’s day coincided with the day the weekly stock market report were released. When I saw those binoculars, I _knew_ – I just _knew_ what he did. So I used the binoculars to watch her face fall when she found out that Tobirama’s designs dominated the niche market.”

Ah, of _course_. Spite. The one sure way to his shishou’s heart.

Kagami’s not sure anyone else would’ve understood his sensei’s intent. The fact that Madara did is really sweet.  

“That’s really sweet,” he tells Madara.

“Her _face_ ,” Madara cackles in remembrance with malicious glee. They reach the door, and Kagami sits down to put on his shoes. “One more thing before you go,” Madara says.

Kagami pauses, has a flashback to yesterday, and shivers. “You have an advice for me too?”

Madara lifts one eyebrow. Like he knows that there’s definitely a story behind those words and that shaky tone. “Arguably one of the most important.”

Kagami stands up, grabs his chocolate, and faces Madara head on. Ready to face the music. Education is always a good thing.

“Don’t forget to have fun.”

Surprised, Kagami peeks from under his eyelashes at Madara’s face. He’s smiling.

His good mood absolutely infects him. Kagami feels a grin poking up his own cheeks.

“Thank you, shishou,” he says, every bit sincere. Then he takes a deep breath to settle himself, and walks off to meet Danzō at the grill house.

**Author's Note:**

> Why Danzō? Mostly to fit that one line and this [gem of a drabble by elenathehun](https://elenathehun.tumblr.com/post/154412689365/challenge-mode-danzoukagami-youre-the-only-one). 
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated. 
> 
> And same, Madara. Same.


End file.
